I've been waiting for this post to be ready to come to life,it's been a few months of gut wrenching heartache,loneliness,insomnia,isolation,it's been really really hard...it still is.
Mr 16 decided a few months ago that he wanted to live with his dad full-time.Now don't get me wrong from the moment his father & I decided when he was 4 to go our seperate ways,this was something I knew would happen at some point. Then it happened...& it floored me.
I cannot properly articulate the ways in which this has made me feel,the sadness it sweeps in like a fog & envelopes me,the powerlessness,this was his choice to make,he is 16 I must respect him & his decisions,the loneliness,I know I am not the only parent to go through this but I sure feel like it,the shame,I feel like I failed him,why else would he want to leave,the selfishness,this is not about me it's about him & what's best for him.
A few months in he seems to be going really well.I don't see a lot of him but I text him regularly (16yr old boys don't seem to phone chat like girls do)
I tread lightly with him,I don't want to push him further away by being all crazy needy but I always let him know I miss him.
When I do see him I hold my tears untill he leaves,he doesn't need me guilt trippin him.
I miss his jokes & his cooking,I am also starting to realise he was the only one in the house that really listened to anything I said...
His little sister misses him a lot & that breaks me everytime,it's like he died but he didn't because we see him & it's heart shattering all over again...
I don't know if & when it will get better,will it ever?
I do know the lessons that are to be learned from this are long,hard,very painful & bloody heart breaking....
Anyone got any words of wisdom? I sure could use some...j9
 


Comments

Frizzle McFlurry
11/26/2012 12:54

No words of wisdom im afraid j9....just massive cyber hugs. Im sure it will all be okay someday soon, and that it will end up being a really positive thing for all of you xx

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AuntyCarlz
11/26/2012 12:57

You should be Incredibly proud to have raised a boy who can stand on his own to feet. This is something that truly will let him grow into a strong man. He will always love his mumma. He will come back to you. I promise xx

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Aunty Jude
11/26/2012 23:56

Janine, you are an exceptionally GREAT Mum. You have a wonderful family and cute to boot! Boys need their space whether at home or not. He loves you unconditionally and you should be so proud. Enjoy watching him grow. He will always be close xxxxx

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j9
11/27/2012 00:13

Thanks Aunty Jude! Your right I know,I just miss him...xx

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Toni Conlon
11/27/2012 00:45

Oh j9. Oh I can only imagine your heartache, but I sit here crying for you as I type.
You are an awesome Mum and have obviously done your job to perfection, for him to feel able to move on. Confidence is a absolute essential life tool- well done!
Time is all I can suggest. Be kind to you!!

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j9
11/27/2012 00:51

Thanks Toni,he is a very mature,sensible,capable young man,which comforts me no end & your right time will dull the ache but it still sucks,I wasn't ready to let go of my baby yet...:)

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12/22/2012 22:42

It is so hard when your baby leaves home. Moreso like this. I have no words of wisdom, just it does get easier... unfortunately we don't get to pick when they come into our lives, nor when they leave home.

xxxxxxx

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j9
12/23/2012 05:43

Thanks so much for the support Kelley,it means a lot!
I totally understand your excitement when they come home,from reading your posts/tweets ect & am doing a little happy dance because he we be home tomorrow night to spend Christmas eve/day with us! All will be right in my world if only briefly but I will savour every single second! Merry christmas to you & yours,may next year bring wonderful things for all of us. xx

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