I have been sick for about a week with what started as a flu & has ended in broncitis as it usually does with me(you know all my heathy habits & the like),but as a working mother there in reality is no time to actually rest & put ones feet up to recover.So by yesterday morning I found myself very sick,tired & well & truely fed the fuck up with my boys behaviour,the said boys, aged 6 & almost 4 has been steadly deteriorating over the course of the week as they grasped that I was sick & vunerable to take easy options to keep them off my case.I woke up feeling very ordinary to walk out to a house that look like it had vomited on itself & the kids fighting with each other at 7am & just started sinking emotionally,by 9.30am I was done trying to negotiate,bribe,reason & started yelling at them.It was then it dawned on me to think to myself "umm o.k so is this what a nervous breakdown feels like?" Because I felt like it was just all too much,too hard,that I was failing at what was my main priority,that parenting my own children was the most challenging,energy sapping,stupidly hard,least enjoyable thing I had ever done & at that moment I just wanted to quit! To walk no wait, run the fuck away & not think about them for an indefinate amout of time....
So did I do it?
No I didn',t I promply burst into the biggest fit of ugly,loud, snot filled tears that made everyone stop & take notice.Not that that was what I had been hoping to achieve,I just needed to get that horrid sinking feeling out of my body & that was the only way I knew how (I'm not a big cryer, normally I am quite staunch according to Aunty Carlz)
Mr Fix it came running to my aid & wrapped me in a lovely warm embrace somewhat reminding me why I still choose to be here & gently reminded me that it won't be like this forever & that I was very much loved by all,that it would be fine & it's all just small stuff.
I know in my heart & my head that it is all just small stuff & I am constantly greatful to have a blessed life with fortunate,healthy children but sometimes the pressure just builds in my head, it becomes overwhelming being responsible for all these lives,all these people that need loving,teaching,feeding,disiplining,understanding,clothing,cleaning,guiding sometimes in the dark of the night I start to doubt the sort of mother I am,the sort of person I am & wonder am I doing a good enough job,could someone else do this better?
Granted I could probably run around outside with them more & do a little more craft with them but really in my heart of hearts I know that I am the best person for the job,that I know each one of them inside & out,I know all the best & worst of their personality's,because I am their mother & this IS where I am meant to be,the good,the bad & slight breakdowns are all part of the journey we are on together.
Do you know that breakdown feeling I'm talking about? that fight or flight instinct kicking in? please tell me you do or if not can you recommend a great shrink perhaps I need one or maybe thats what this blog is for....
don't forget we're all madd here (quite apt today really) j9 x