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Morning all,todays post is all about me & the way I feel in regard to my life.I certainly do not wish to make light of mental illness although it may seem as if I wil.Mental illness is something that is very real in my life & runs through my family very strongly,my mother has struggled with it for as long as i can remember.
I have been sick for about a week with what started as a flu & has ended in broncitis as it usually does with me(you know all my heathy habits & the like),but as a working mother there in reality is no time to actually rest & put ones feet up to recover.So by yesterday morning I found myself very sick,tired & well & truely fed the fuck up with my boys behaviour,the said boys, aged 6 & almost 4 has been steadly deteriorating over the course of the week as they grasped that I was sick & vunerable to take easy options to keep them off my case.I woke up feeling very ordinary to walk out to a house that look like it had vomited on itself & the kids fighting with each other at 7am & just started sinking emotionally,by 9.30am I was done trying to negotiate,bribe,reason & started  yelling at them.It was then it dawned on me to think to myself "umm o.k so is this what a nervous breakdown feels like?" Because I felt like it was just all too much,too hard,that I was failing at what was my main priority,that parenting my own children was the most challenging,energy sapping,stupidly hard,least enjoyable thing I had ever done & at that moment I just wanted to quit! To walk no wait, run the fuck away & not think about them for an indefinate amout of time....
So did I do it?
 No I didn',t I promply burst into the biggest fit of ugly,loud, snot filled tears that made everyone stop & take notice.Not that that was what I had been hoping to achieve,I just needed to get that horrid sinking feeling out of my body & that was the only way I knew how (I'm not a big cryer, normally I am quite staunch according to Aunty Carlz)
Mr Fix it came running to my aid & wrapped me in a lovely warm embrace somewhat reminding me why I still choose to be here & gently reminded me that it won't be like this forever & that I was very much loved by all,that it would be fine & it's all just small stuff.
 I know in my heart & my head that it is all just small stuff & I am constantly greatful to have a blessed life with fortunate,healthy children but sometimes the pressure just builds in my head, it becomes overwhelming being responsible for all these lives,all these people that need loving,teaching,feeding,disiplining,understanding,clothing,cleaning,guiding sometimes in the dark of the night I start to doubt the sort of mother I am,the sort of person I am & wonder am I doing a good enough job,could someone else do this better?
 Granted I could probably run around outside with them more & do a little more craft with them but really in my heart of hearts I know that I am the best person for the job,that I know each one of them inside & out,I know all the best & worst of their personality's,because I am their mother & this IS where I am meant to be,the good,the bad & slight breakdowns are all part of the journey we are on together.
Do you know that breakdown feeling I'm talking about? that fight or flight instinct kicking in? please tell me you do or if not can you recommend a great shrink perhaps I need one or maybe thats what this blog is for....
don't forget we're all madd here (quite apt today really) j9 x

 


Comments

Stoners Hill Lane
03/18/2012 22:00

You are not alone, I am there with you!! Although you have almost twice as many kids as me, and I still get to feeling like that sometimes so high-5 to ya for hangin in for this long without losing the plot!!
Actually, I think you do a fantastic job, your fun, energetic & your kids are way smart..look at sonny, I'm about the only one that can understand the shit that comes out of his mouth lol & that's cos he says the same thing over n over n looks at me like I'm the illiterate one!! Any kid would be lucky to have u as a mum, they defientely picked the right uterus in the new life waiting room :-)

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Carly -jay
03/19/2012 05:01

...This is it classic case of ' mothers had enough of this shit" I have this feeling at least once every couple of months.. i mean yeah at least once a week i have the regular this shit sucks balls feeling but once every few months i have .. "the full monty" the cry, the break down, the feeling that no one appeciates me, all i do is cook, clean , wash, eat ,poop and sleep and even that i have to do for other people i have to wipe 2 other bums on a regularly basis.. EVERYDAY!! And my own which is a big enough task considering its size. This once every couple of months break down consists of a couple of stages for me ... usually starting with anger.. im so angery i slam shit around, huff consantly and walk around silent,Not really knowing what im anger about .. then when i think about it im sad .. depressed and fed up ... which moves on too sorrow .. and feeling sorry for the children and my kids for having such a wha wha mother and before i know it nothings resolved ive gone back to doing everything .. im super women im back on top and i dont mind again. Most of the time i think what really gets to me is maybe im jealous? sometimes i wanna be my kids!? i wanna watch tv and not work and someone make me hot chocolates with marshmellows and tickle my back. I wanna be mothered.... taken care of ...without any worrys knowing that someone like me is going to take care of me the way i take care of them ..Which makes me think! I must be a ok mum if i want what thereve got? Happy kids are loved kids Janine. And sometimes where just unhappy mums that need a little extra loven. :)

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Auntycarlz
03/19/2012 18:18

Did you ever know that your my hero, your everything I wish I could be! You are stauncher than an eagle! You are the wind beneath my wings! Let auntycarlz have them children for a few days, then they will realise what a fun mum they have! Love you xx
Ps good therapist in the yellow pages!

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J9
03/19/2012 19:27

Thank you so much guys for not only commenting but making me feel like I'm not alone is feeling like this on occasion! Shelly your right big families have their own set of worries on top of the usual & I think you too are doing an excellent job,don't doubt yourself ever!
Cobes you know Sonny boy is one of my favorite kids he's got a little something special that I really like. I wrote the post because I think if we are all honest,we do all have these moments on occasion!
Thank you miss Carly,I love your take on things & you continue to inspire me,thanks for taking the time to comment honestly,I loved it!
Aunty Carlz you rock my kasbah! you are my therapist babe! x
Any of you ladies are welcome to guest post on her about anything that takes your fancy,please think about it? Serious,funny,currant affairs,politics whatever interests you let me know! x

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