Hey,hey welcome to another riveting "fuck you friday" post,that involves in random order Elephants,poo,smartarse teenagers & toddlers that scream instead of speak! it's been a big week in the "were all madd here" household so buckle up & get ready for blast off into "fuck you friday"....
should I be worried??
Ahhh now where to start....lets kick this bitchfest off with miss Nyx (read devil child) & her new hobby of chucking fucking monster tantrums that seem to have no reason other than to see if she can make my head explode by screaming loudly enough (between you & me she's come fucking close),as I have said to her about eleventy million times lately speak english & we will all be on the same playing field but no,she thinks that by screaming at me in what appears to be some ancient russian dialect complete with hissing & spitting that i will bow to her almighty power,well fuck me dead if she is not correct! Sure enough I will be found at these times of of misery asking her questions such as "are you hungry?","thirsty?",'do you want to play?", "watch mummy do a headstand whilst sing Helen Reddy's I am woman hear me roar?"....well enough I say! It is time for you to man up Nyx & start talking like the rest of us,I for one am sick of the headaches from the screaming & the neckaches from the fucking headstands! Although,I think I heard her say "fuck" yesterday & as with all the children when they first said this super word,I just nodded knowingly & said "where's the truck?" Parenting 101 fuckin A+
So on to my next fucking rant which involves smart arse teenagers (not mine in this instance although I do have a couple) & a slight dose of fucking road rage by yours truely....Let me set the scene,A sunny winters day I being the fucking legend that I am tell Mitch that I wll drive him to school,cause you know thats how I roll! So Mitch exits the car & I pull out of the car park & onto the road, as I am cruising down the street,a couple of skanky teenage girls are crossing the road in front of me,now to clarify they are not on a pedestrian crossing or anything,so as I get closer skanky pants looks straight at me,whilst making no effort to move off the road in any hurry & get this blows a fucking bubble at me with the hubba bubba in her mouth that, at that very moment I wanted to ram down her fucking neck but because I was driving & not walking I could not do this.So instead I did what you you fucking do & saw red & fucking floored the Tarago straight at her.....now I know that this was not responisble driving procedure but fuck me dead she hightailed it to the footpath in record time with a few skid marks in her undies for good measure hopefully & I calmly drove away feeling much better for the encounter,fucking smartarse wont mess with no Tarago driving maniac's any more will she? (to all you Tarago drivers out there you can thank me with wild turkey gifts! It was my pleasure)
It's now time for my whinge about the motherfucking elephant costume!!!!!
So monday afternoon a newsletter comes home to inform the parents of kd that they are performing an item in the assembly on friday, & Bams role in this little production of "hullaballoo at the zoo" was an,yep you guessed it ELEPHANT...yeah thats right pick the smallest kid in the class to be the biggest animal! it was stated in the newsletter that we did not have to go to too much trouble,but you know it's the "were all madd here house" so an elephant costume it was....well fuck me dead if i'm not going to open a fabric shop a make my millions, $40 bucks later we are on our way to creating a master piece,so that night i layed out the fabric drew a rough outline around bam & started cutting as you do when you are not at all sure what you are doing,truth be told Jybee is the sewing star of this family & asked me the next night if I wanted him to set the "machine" up? Of course I said that would be lovely darling & went & promply fell asleep on the lounge....as you do. Waking up refreshed I found the suit had been put together all except for the hemming around the arms,neck & legs well thats got to be easy enough to finish doesn't it?? Well apparently not! The fucking sewing machine hates me with a passion,Jybee went jamming last night (as you do) & when all the children were safely in their beds or my bed whatever,I sat down to finish it off, I should have known the shit was going down when the last remaining fluro in the room blew & was left with the ambient light from the bathroom & the piss weak light on the machine to create my magic.Alas twass not to be that cheap chinese piece of shit (thanks ebay) would not sew the fabric in any way that would be described as normal & I started to feel a little like I wanted to cut sick on it with my hell ninja skills,a phone call,2 panadol,a lot of swearing later I called it prick & slunk off to bed,with a half finished elephant costume that was needed the next day, crap!
As is the way with true love I awoke this morning to a finished elephant costume waiting for me,prince friggin charming had gotten up at 4.30am to finish it off before heading out for another 8hrs of real jobbing & saved my arse again! fucking winning!
Best I be shaving my legs I expect,I owe him big time......crap!
Anyway Bam was a fantactic elephant in his item,it was an excellent effort by the whole class,their teacher mrs Dale & every single parent! fuck yeah!
As for my last post on the toilet,well karma's a bitch & we have all, in the last week or so been struck with the dreaded gazzy bug's a nasty little bum burner & I hope it moves on quicksmart. i thought I was familiar with that place before, well we are fucking brothers in arms now i tells ya....
I will say chow for now but please don't forget "were all madd here" xx